*Not Over, Under, Around…but THROUGH!

I have looked over many sites on the web about verbal abuse, but in the Christian realm I see it more as an abuse of Power that manifests itself in verbal abuse, punishment, control, discontentment, anger, contention, and the like. Anyways, most if not all recommend divorce as the answer. I too have contemplated this for the last 5 years and each time I did step out in that direction the Lord completely turned my life upside down so that I had to deal with other issues and put the divorce on the back burner, I figured ok…maybe the Lord wants me to stay in this marriage.

He has answered my prayers in ways I would never dream of. At church a visitor came up to me and my husband and just said, “The best book I ever read on marriage was, ‘Sacred Marriage’ by Gary Thomas; then just walked away. Another time I was speaking to my friend and asked her, “ why does he do that?”. Then that night I received a book recommendation from someone and looked it up on Amazon. Well it did not fit my need, so I just looked at other recommendations, then the book popped up, “Why Does He Do That? A look inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft

These two books set my mind on two different planes. One was, “Wow I am not crazy- my man is SICK and two I can continue in this marriage through Christ”! I have had trouble trying to reconcile these two elements, truly it’s not a desire of the flesh by any means because the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. So, I started to renew my mind once again through the scriptures and seek out an outlet for my journey. Thus the birth of this blog.

After reading those two books, and poured scripture back into my heart and mind, I read, “Sacred Influence” also by Gary Thomas. The first section kind of irked me, it really stressed the wife to do all the changing and pretty much responsible for how the relationship goes. I was just about to put the book away for good, then I skipped over to the next section and it dealt with abusive husbands. Well it piqued my interest and I read through it. It was such a confirmation to what I was getting from the Word. I realized that it was my husband with the “problems” not me. Now armed with that fact I needed to respond not defensively but offensively (not to be mistaken with being offensive!).

My responses to my husband were not to be based on his moods, manipulation, punishments or verbal attacks; but to be based on truth. Praise God for my Pastor he instructed me as well to just view my husband as someone who needs the Lord and to speak…Sin, Judgement, & Righteousness to him, nothing else, just stick to these three things; that way I don’t get sucked into his gameplan. He will have to face the truth on all levels of discussion. So when I read about influencing an abusive husband, she pretty much had the same idea. When he yelled at her or was angry, she just looked at him and asked if he could say it again without being angry or using such a high tone etc. It made him stop and look at his responses and he realized that she respected herself and she was expecting him to respect her as well. It worked for her they now have a great marriage. This really encouraged my heart to press on and persevere to the end.

With regard to the book by Lundy Bancroft, he is not a believer and it is pretty overwhelming when reading. It can scare you to make some really rash decisions. Don’t do anything yet(unless you are physically in trouble). Or better yet, just click on “ABUSE PROFILE” on my Blog. You will get the idea of an abuser without the shock and hopelessness you get from reading the book, “why does he do that”.

I am still walking through this journey but I do see light at the end of the tunnel. I want to be the example of the believer in word, conversation, spirit, faith and purity to my husband but especially to my kids. They are watching me, I want them to see that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens ME and that joy is from the Lord and not man.

I pray that you will find the encouragement and strength to go through this journey with the Lord instead of seeking a way out. You are not alone!

Blessings